MisHandledL Still Able to Love Unconditionally
They are simply telling the truth: They also know that it is going to be hard to get into a new relationship because of how they behave. But below the level of conscious awareness they feel unloved, worthless and resentful. Some of them hate women because the one woman in their lives their primary caregiver , who was supposed to be there for them, left them, abused them or neglected them.
They may not even be able to recognize the relief they feel as a kind of satisfaction. What they say may not be a reflection of what is going on inside them. Jake said that Nicky had everything he wanted in a woman. He may have been telling her the truth. Jake did said that he had had his heart broken, but I doubt that this actually happened very recently the heartbreaking part. He probably was using the broken-heart story as an excuse. It is quite normal for people who have difficulties getting close to others to remain in contact with anyone they have been able to be even remotely close with, which may explain why he stayed in contact with the ex girlfriend.
Jake probably will eventually try to stay in touch with Nicky, too. I would keep my distance. Jake probably cannot give anyone what they would want in a relationship. Nicky should not waste her life hoping things will get better. But Nicky should not wait around for him to improve, however.
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People who are in a relationship with a person who cannot love should realize that this has nothing to do with them. There are so many people out there who, unlike Nicky's ex, are not emotionally numb. Rather than obsessing about her ex, she should go out and socialize. Only then does she stand a chance of finding someone who is capable of loving her the way she deserves.
This happens to married people too. Too much crap, anger, resentment But many stay married for other reasons.
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This article somewhat hints that people think that not being able to love or "rejecting" love is evil. I say those people are dumber than they look. NO ONE can't feel love, because love is programmed in our genes and can't ever disappear.
Those who don't feel love directly like the guy stated in the article feel love unconsiously. You can't possibly not feel love because it is programmed in us, unless you somehow are handicapped. What is he supposed to do while he is in therapy? Refrain from all relationships until he is "fixed"? But he's never going to be perfectly fixed. So why can't he be upfront about his need for intimacy without love? Well, it's not socially acceptable to have sympathy for Jake; he's the 'bad guy' because he's been traumatised so badly that he can't experience positive emotion for fear of being hurt again.
Further, if Jake doesn't have quality read: They WILL, however, put him on all sorts of meds. Long story, people like Jake are expected to commit suicide or withdraw completely from all social contact because of their emotional wounds. At least, this has been my experience. I choose to fake it as hard as I can so I'm not abandoned yet again for being me.
Except I went down the medication route. Good therapy for this sort of situation is rare and expensive. People like us are not wanted.
Since people like to follow norms, they usually exclude common sense. Which can be a disadvantage to humans. Not being able to comprehend someone can create negative views, and make them judge based on their negative view. This is where the term "socially acceptable" comes in. Since someone isn't "normal" to most, makes them often ignored and hated.
Let me take "old-school geeks" for example. They were often the type to get bullied in the 80's and 90's because they were "special" and did things that not many other people did. But that has shifted now.
Mishandled: Still Able to Love Unconditionally - Ngena Feechi Campbell - Google Книги
More and more people got interested in gaming over time and it is now a normal thing to do. Every kid wants to get their hands on the newest consoles and games out there. Even some multi-billionaires admit being geeks, like Elon Musk. We live in a society built by people that weren't socially accepted. But sadly, the views people give of people not being socially accepted or simply not following he norms haven't changed.
Reality is too harsh. I changed one dating relationship that was this unbalanced, to one of 'honorary grandparent' to 'honorary grandchild'. I am not expecting the equality of a loving partnership, or even an adult friendship, but I am staying in touch no more than one phone call a month with someone who needs a good person they trust in their life. There was no cruelty in this person, just a lack of ability.
Why does it say, "Subject? Sylvia - seems to me that person you are staying in touch with will be bound to you because you identify yourself as the person who can be trusted in his life. You are not his therapist. And no one needs a martyr, or to be the subject of one's "good work. I think your comment is out of line. Sylvia is doing what seems right in her situation.
She's helping someone acquire hope and trust. To attack her is uncalled for. You could have just stated your opinion without referencing her. It seems that you have a huge lack of empathy, but I'll tell you now that a bit of goodness can go a long way. It's what our world is beginning to dismiss. Yes therapy is good but alongside that people need support, and I'm speaking from experience. A lack of love is painful enough, and if someone is willingly being there for someone in need, even if it's emotionally, I think it should be encouraged.
As for how you would handle it, well that's your opinion, remember it doesn't work for every situation. Nothing ever applies to every situation. It is because I empathize that I discourage this particular practice. Please do advise Psychology Today to remove the post, so no one else will consider it "attacking," even though that is not what I did at all. You make a valid point, I can empathize with Jake because it's not fair his life might've been awful, and having a little bit of love can go a long way like you said.
If Sylvia wants to try help someone to learn love, then no one should criticize her or the person she's with. There's a problem with people today, they only think about themselves first. Not everyone, but most. I'm happy to see there a people out there who can see some people develop problems beyond comprehension for the average person to understand. So, I can relate to what you are saying in a way, even if it sounds like a stupid way.
I also believe since no one knows what it's like to be Sylvia, or Jake then no one should be judging them. Instead, they should think to themselves "What if I had the mindset of this person, and I had people judging me? After all, that's what we all should be doing. Go with what we think is best for not just yourself, but everyone around you. I think the inability to love is a lot more common than people would like to believe and it happens with women just as much as with men.
I see this all the time, but for some reason our culture these days prefers to vilify men and ignore women's part in terrible relationships. It appears that the women stay so they can have a servant, extra money, and an emotional punching bag. I'm a woman and the first-born child of a seriously mentally-ill but untreated mother who hated and resented me. Mother reminded me on many occasions that she had never even been interested in having children, and felt that I'd "trapped" her in a marriage with a man she felt ambivalent about. I however became unhealthily hyper-attached to mother even though she had borderline PD and was intermittently and unpredictability both emotionally and physically abusive to me.
I have never had a long term adult sexual relationship; I recognize that I am unable to trust or love anyone. I don't "do" intimacy. I can have good work relationships and casual, short-term friendship relationships but can't maintain even long-term non-sexual friendships. I just can't do it. I don't have the ability to trust anyone, really. The only time I feel safe and relaxed is when I'm alone. My mother was both emotionally and physically abusive to me, to the point where I needed hospitalizing on two occasions as a baby; the abuse and rejection were my "normal" for the first 15 or so years of my life.
But instead of running away I became trauma-bonded to mother: If she and dad hadn't moved across country from me when I was in my thirties I would have probably remained emotionally enmeshed with them until they died. So, yes, being an unwanted child, being resented, being subjected to chronic, unpredictable extreme rage and emotional and physical abuse during the formative years can totally warp a child's life-trajectory. I wish that anyone who thinks that they wish to be a parent all middle school and high school kids, basically would be obligated to undergo a thorough psychological exam, so that those with mental disorders or personality disorders could receive help, therapy, classes on good parenting practices, classes on healthy child development, and even supervision by trained nurses to make sure that any children such individuals produce are not being neglected or maltreated.
I'd just like to point something out: Some people are simply aromantic. This means that they do not feel romantic attraction. However, many are still able to have perfectly good platonic relationships. Of course, whether that is successful also depends on their partner, as not everyone is fine with having a partner who doesn't love them in the way that they love them. One the other hand, some people are ok with that. For example, I have a friend who is aromantic, and she has been in a successful relationship with her boyfriend for nearly a year now.
He loves her, but she feels a very strong platonic attraction to him, rather than romantic he loves her romantically, but she sees him as just a very good friend. Some aromantics are asexual as well.
This means that they experience neither sexual attraction nor romantic attraction. You can be aromantic without being asexual, or asexual without being aromantic, or you can be both in case you're wondering, sexual attraction and romantic attraction are different! You can be biromantic heterosexual. Thank you for pointing this out.
There simply isn't enough awareness for asexual and aromantic people: I am a 38 year old women, from Argentina. I've had only 1 relationship. I didn't really like him, he had a 5 year old child which was the best part. I did enjoyed having time with him, it was a pain to have sex, and many times I would leave for a week or even a month saying I had to study. Ever since not interested at all in guys , relationships I don't care if I die alone.
I don't care if I don't ever have sex again Haven't had in ages I don't know why people need it. I don't like myself either, I don't know why some people talk to me. I am really outgoing, I know a little bit of everything, I have a good sense of humor, so I guess that's why I'm liked. But I don't care of having friends, and I have invented million and one excuse to be absent from reunions, parties, etc. I wonder if this can be fixed Don't care if I'm ever invited again to a party or whatever. I have had into that kind of relationship recently. He had admitted to me recently that he didn't love me back from the first time we met.
We've been almost 3 years now and he did tried to find ways to tell me the fact that he is unable to love me back but didnt find a way until I had read a chat with her ex whom he havent seen for 8 years now. I felt sudden emotionally down and confronted him about that and he admitted that it was true. I broke up with him even if I love him so much. Again we met and talked few days ago and He told me that letting go of me is the best thing he could do for me.
He wanted me to be happy and to have a happy relationship. He wants to give me the chance to be happy. He even begged me to stopped our relationship because he knew that no matter what, it will end soon. He doesn't want me to struggle anymore. He had a past history regarding his parents not treating him well when he was a child. He struggled having a good bond with her parents because they separated at his early age. I had somewhat have an idea that he's struggling of something, that something is strange because we are in an on-and-off relationship.
I know that he have struggle with relationships because of his mom abondoning him before so I had tried everything I can to show him love that's why I think we've been in that long term almost 3 years relationship. I dont want to leave just like that, I feel like I could atleast do something to help him. Are there any alternatives other than having him in an therapy? Can I somewhat do something. Your task is to also use your influence in a caring and disciplined manner to create a balanced exchange with your dating partner. Such skills are not exercised to "control" or "manipulate" for selfish gain, but rather to maintain a mutually-beneficial and satisfying partnership see here , here , and here.
However, because your relationships will be more "conditional", personality differences can continue to be worked through after you pick a partner and fall in love. Unhealthy relationships can be remedied or, in unfortunate situations dissolved , rather than simply endured. Nevertheless, there are few things more painful in life than choosing to leave an unhealthy relationship with someone you unconditionally love.
So, picking someone you can "work with" is still an important idea. Today we have made an important dating distinction between "unconditional love" and "unconditional relationships" For those who place love above all, there is little distinction between those two concepts. Both their love and their relationships are ultimately unconditional. This merger makes identification and selection of a conscientious partner of the utmost importance. However, for those who equally value working partnerships with love, there is a wide distinction between the two concepts.
Love can be felt unconditionally, while still maintaining conditional requirements for the partnership. This separation allows for more flexibility to both experience love and use influence to create healthy exchanges. For these individuals, a disciplined knowledge of negotiation, boundary-setting, influence, and persuasion can be invaluable. I hope this clears up the confusion. I also hope you choose whichever path is right for you.
I will continue to provide advice and assistance to both groups as time goes on. Make sure you get the next article too!
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I keep my friends informed: Finally, remember to share, like, tweet, and comment below. Jeremy Nicholson The Attraction Doctor. Previous Articles from The Attraction Doctor. I've been in a relationship for 5 years on and off now with a guy who I thought was the one. From the beginning we have had problems communicating and little things can turn into huge arguements. I've very recently ended this relationship again but am finding it so difficult to detach myself from him? It feels hopeless trying to make it work and we're both miserable together but also miserable without each other.
Anyone have any advise. I appreciate this article, Dr Jeremy. Sounds like what I've been saying for years and even put in my blog on spiritual living--how to determine love from a 'relationship. Many people don't realize that relationships require relationship skills, such as cooperation, problem-solving, communication, and negotiation. Everyone wants to maintain the blissful feelings of romantic, unconditional love, but as the relationship progresses, conflicting needs, interests, lifestyle, feelings, and real life intrude as couples get to know one another.
Some codependents believe love will cure all their bad feelings and childhood wounds. They want the unconditional love they yearned for from a parent, and try to love and give unconditionally without conflict or boundaries. They have to dishonor their individuality and needs to accommodate the other.
Occasionally, these relationships work if the stronger personality is kind and considerate. More often, as you write, they end in disaster, as codependents twist themselves into pretzels to maintain the relationship. They're also often attracted to others who want control and power. IMO, the basis fro this argument is flawed when one would agree the love is a feeling or emotion. Love, again IMO is a verb.
We choose to love someone. I always thought uncoditional love was love without boundaries. This has gotten me into trouble. Your series of articles helped me change my mind. Sending the right signals in interpersonal and romantic relationships. How to be attractive to women by developing dominance or prestige. Back Find a Therapist. What Causes Stress Eating? Parenting Adolescents and the Choice-Consequence Connection. Has Gender Always Been Binary? Friend me on Faceook. Do You Believe in Unconditional Love?
The difference between unconditional love and unconditional relationships. Welcome back to The Attraction Doctor Do you believe in unconditional love? Unconditional Love and Unconditional Relationships Love is very important. But, Isn't Love Enough? Conclusion Today we have made an important dating distinction between "unconditional love" and "unconditional relationships" Post Comment Your name.